You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
