My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
