I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
