my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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