I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
