my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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