I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize