I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
