i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
