You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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