Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
