Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
