Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
