I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
