i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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