Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
