I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I got inside last night via doggy door
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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