I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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