never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
