Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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