I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
