You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
