Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
