the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize