I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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