turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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