if i can run in heels then i can drive
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
not ubering you a puppy
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize