Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
