oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
