I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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