If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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