Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sorry about my life...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
