Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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