dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
