Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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