its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So here I am, sexting at work.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
