I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
