i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
