I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Pooping to opera.
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