I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
