call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
