at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
