why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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