So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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