Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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