dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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