I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
