Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
