We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
