Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
