I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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