New low: just hacked my moms facebook
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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