How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
