It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
