No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
