I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
